suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
