apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
