I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
