Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
