don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
