Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
