if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
