Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
