a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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