I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
