so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
