Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
