If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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