so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
