haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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