3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
