My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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