Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's just like the Real World with babies
she told me i tasted like america
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
