people are starting to question the shark bite story
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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