hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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