She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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