she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
