Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
