We're facebook friends in real life
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
