margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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