New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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