1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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