True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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