Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
