I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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