I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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