So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
