stop calling my apartment porn island.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
