so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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