dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
