Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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