1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
