apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Randomize
