My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
