the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
