I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
