I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
