Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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