Michael Bay diarrhea
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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