8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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