just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want her autograph on my taint
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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