i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
