Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
