If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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