So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
