There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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